Monday, September 12, 2011

Last night Derek was moved to the oncology unit. The doctor wanted him to get up and stand and walk around to prevent getting blood clots in his legs, but Derek was so weak that he just could not. The doctor had warned us that after having a white blood count as high as he had, his legs would feel really funny and weak when the count went down. This is because white blood cells are made in the long bones, such as his legs, and he almost certainly had had intense pain in his legs which he never told us about.

Monday morning he received a blood transfusion, and by the time I arrived he was walking and standing and not wanting to lie around in his bed at all. He went to the playroom in the morning with Vince and my mom before I arrived and had a great time playing with tractors and trucks which he brought back to the room when he was finished.

My mom helped him eat lunch and made a game of it. Together they renamed each item on his tray to be something from the ocean, and he pretended to be a dolphin, eating minnows (peas), seaweed (salad), and other things. He has a great appetite because of the medication he is on, so he eats pretty much everything on the tray. He is responding really well to the treatments and is perky and almost more energetic than I. In the afternoon, I took him back to the playroom, and he acted as if he had to play with all the toys this afternoon because he might have to leave and not have a chance. He does not realize that he will have PLENTY of time to play with everything in the room.

When the playroom closed, he still was not ready to settle down and sit in bed. The unit has several tricycles and cars for kids to ride, and he wanted to try them all out, acting again as though he might have to leave this wonderful place and not have a chance to try them all out. Many of vehicles were too small for him, but he found one large tricycle that fit just right. It said “John Deere” on the back, so that was even better. He raced up and down the hall narrowly missing people and objects while I chased after him with his IV stand, imploring him to slow down, and watch out for the people. He got all out of breath, and it was good to have him breathing deeply.

To add to his delight, several people stopped by to bring him special toys. It’s like Christmas in September. When asked by another mom on the unit whether he like it here, he quickly told her yes. He is blissfully unaware of the long journey ahead, and that is good. He can concentrate on being happy and getting well.

Vince and I, on the other hand, had a really hard day. As we looked around the ward at the other children with their little bald heads, a heavy dose of reality began to set in. We don’t have just a very sick child. We have a child with CANCER! Within a very few weeks, his thick dark hair will begin to fall out and he will begin to look like others with the disease they share. While Derek played happily, we were forced to stifle our tears, hide our pain for now, die on the inside only, and wait until the cover of night to let our tears flow unabated onto our pillows.

As I watched and listened to the suffering on this unit today, my anger began to grow. A boy with a brain tumor who can hardly walk; a little baby who has to receive injections in her eye every four hours for the next several days, her muffled screams piercing through closed doors; their mothers who turn away to hide their tears of very real pain, just as I. It is hellish! The thought that there is a being in our world so evil that he thinks this is fun fuels my fury. I hate him with every fiber of my being, and I cannot wait for him to be destroyed along with his horrid, evil tools of Suffering, Pain, and Death. Deliver us, oh God!